Breaking: WHO retaliates against Trump, halts global research into self-tanning products
Geneva, Switzerland — Following Trump’s announcement that the US would halt funding to the World Health Organization, the WHO struck back in retaliation, halting all global research into self-tanning products. Trump had accused the WHO of mismanaging and covering up the spread of the virus and stated it should be held accountable. The WHO, for their part, accused Trump of mishandling and covering up his face by spreading discount bin self-tanners on it, a revolting habit for which he should be held accountable.
“The world is tired of looking at Trump’s ugly orange face,” stated Dr. Tedros Adhano, Director-General of the WHO. “By withholding what he values most, besides money, he will be forced to reconsider the funding cuts. Otherwise, the world will finally see him for who he really is: a pasty-faced, sad old man.”
Bill Gates, who has been actively involved in funding Coronavirus research, applauds the move and encourages the WHO to go even further.
“I say why stop with self-tanning cream? Cut off funding for safe hair spray research too. The idiot will finally be forced to get a respectable haircut and reveal his baldness to the world. While they’re at it, stop funding safe adult diaper research. He’ll piss himself in public and we can all have a much-needed belly laugh on his behalf.”
At press time, the President was seen dunking his oversized face and tired floppy jowls into a barrel of retro McDonald’s Orange Drink.
- Written by Jill Mersereau for a Beaverton Satire Writing Workshop
