MIT degree, strict religious upbringing required to make sense of N.B.’s new COVID rules
New Brunswick — The Government of New Brunswick today announced that parts of the province will stay in the dreaded orange phase, also known by many as COVID-19 purgatory, for several weeks but residents can have a steady, exclusive 10-person bubble, which they are referring to as decouple (découple).
All ten members of the découple must agree to be exclusive, much like in a big, loving, monogamous relationship.
“I’m sure, as residents of this great province, many of you will understand these new rules,” stated Premier Higgs at a press briefing today. “Most of you have been brought up religious, and it’s been drilled into your noggins not to look for intimacy outside of the confines of marriage, no matter how awful that marriage is, at the risk of being rejected by your church and your community.
“Trust me; this is no different. If you even think of looking for companionship outside of your 10-person monogamous bubble, people will find out and they will gossip. You’ll be too ashamed to show your face in this small province again.”
Dr. Russell spoke next.
“I know there is a lot to gossip about right now, but I’d like to remind everyone to turn off their mics. We have a few more rules to go through. Now, you’ll be allowed to visit restaurants, but only with all 10 people of your découple; no more, no less. We want to help small businesses thrive in these trying times and we want to help nurture your new 10-person relationship.
“Next, if you are single, you can invite nine friends into your bubble, but you all have to have matching blood types. This is for safety reasons in case you have an accident in your new 10-person van and someone needs a quick blood transfusion.
“Also, while some parts of the province are in red and some are in orange, we’ve decided for simplicity’s sake just to put the whole province in a ‘blood orange’ phase. Of course the rules will be different for everyone everywhere. Up north, you’ll need to take a 14-day vow of silence if you catch the COVID since talking spreads the virus and northerners love to gab.
“And, since we all love our Timmy’s, to keep things interesting we’re going to throw some Roll Up the Rims rules into the mix. If you catch COVID from a Tim Hortons drive-thru, we ask you to play again by coming back and buying more double-doubles when you are well! If your COVID symptoms are bad enough to send you to the hospital, you’ll win a free muffin once you get better!”
Dominic Cardy added some more rules for school kids.
“Kids under the age of eight will need to wear two masks, safety goggles and safety boots to school. They’ll only go for half days if they have a single parent, full days if both parents work from home, and every other day if one of their parents works for the province.
“Children between eight and 12 can work from home, but only if Venus is in Cancer. Teenagers are free to take the day off and do whatever the hell they want. They can go get drunk at the local pub for all I care, as long as they are with their 10-person bubble and don’t dance. God knows, they’re not learning anything under these crazy conditions anyway!”
At press time, Conservative Baptist men in the province were busy converting to Utah-style Mormonism, so they could add more wives to their new 10-person bubble.
Originally published at https://themanatee.net on January 29, 2021.