New Brunswickers all out of people to blame for Campbellton COVID-19 outbreak

Campbellton — The doctor being blamed for the COVID-19 outbreak in the Campbellton region says he hired investigators who proved that he is not “patient zero” and is seeking an apology from Premier Higgs.

Following this news, New Brunswickers, who originally blamed Dr. Ngola for the outbreak, turned their blaming and shaming to Premier Higgs and Dr. Jennifer Russell.

“I blame the Chief Medical Officer and the Premier. They were too quick to use that poor doctor as a scapegoat for all of this,” stated Frank Hemmings of Perth. “If it weren’t for them, maybe that doctor would still have his job. It’s a darn shame that the two of them — and only those two — were so quick to judge.”

Once it became clear that Premier Higgs and Dr. Russell were just doing the best they could under a very difficult and unprecedented situation, New Brunswickers looked elsewhere for someone to blame.

“This isn’t Higgs’s fault, and neither is it Dr. Russell’s,” wrote Susan Penfield in the CBC comments section. “They’re likely overworked and tired; we need to cut them some slack. I blame the media. You can’t trust the CBC reporters; they distort the facts all the time.”

Once the news reporters proved that they were simply reporting on news as best they could as facts became available to them, New Brunswickers again began searching for someone or something else to blame.

“All of this was communicated to us through the mediums of radio, internet and television,” stated Mike McGraw of Fredericton during a television interview. “I blame the radio stations and Bell Aliant. They should both be more careful with what information they are sending out through airways and internet cables.”

When reports proved that Bell Aliant and the radio had no control over what information gets transmitted, New Brunswickers became angry at God.

“This is just like the deadly plagues of the Old Testament, so I know it’s God’s fault. If it weren’t for Him, this stupid virus would never have been created, and we’d be having church services right now,” yelled Tara Piercey of Campbellton, shaking her well-worn Bible at the sky.

After clergy confirmed that God doesn’t actually create plagues but only allows them, New Brunswickers turned their blaming and shaming to nature.

“It’s this friggin’ planet. It’s full of disease and disorder,” said Mary Hemsworth of Saint John. “If it weren’t for nature, Campbellton would be COVID-free right now. Why, I’d likely even be on a European vacation enjoying the scenic mountains of Switzerland!”

With absolutely no one or nothing left to blame, New Brunswickers once again turned their attention to U.S. news, where they were able to resume blaming and shaming Americans for all of the world’s current problems.

Originally published at https://themanatee.net on June 12, 2020.

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