QuadNB closes ATV trails, Higgs realizes dream of gentrifying province
New Brunswick — After a call with Blaine Higgs late last week, QuadNB agreed to shut down all of the province’s ATV trails after reopening for two days. The trails were first closed on April 9 after rumours circulated of people gathering for rallies over the Easter weekend.
When reached for comment, Higgs stated, “I couldn’t be happier with this move. For one thing, we want to keep people safe from COVID-19. But more importantly, it’s time we clean up this province’s redneck image!
“Those yahoos go tearing through Mother Nature 24/7, drunk on Alpine in the camo cans, and screaming obscenities every time they pop a wheelie. It’s a filthy sport — if you can even call it that. Why can’t they take up something civilized like golf or pickleball? We look like fools to the rest of the nation and it’s all because of them!”
Many in the ATV community are devastated by the move, claiming the government has exerted too much control over citizens’ private liberties.
“DON’T TRUST THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA!!!!” wrote Shawn Brewer on Facebook. “This is a government conspiracy!! They’re taking away all our freedoms! IT’S OUR RIGHT TO RIP!!!!”
Mike Weaver of Carlton County also expressed concerns. “How am I supposed to get a good Plenty of Fish (POF) profile photo if I can’t take a nice muddin’ selfie? Chicks love going for a ride on the back of my wheeler. The government needs to stay out of my personal life!”
An intern at the premier’s office, speaking anonymously, confirmed that the trail shutdown was in fact part of a larger scheme to gentrify and urbanize the province, which began in 2018.
“Listen, you didn’t hear it from me, but from the moment Higgs became premier, behind closed doors there were daily calls with Chinese authorities,” she whispered furiously into the phone.
“He asked them to create a virus strong enough to spread to New Brunswick and contagious enough to shut down all ATV trails. He’s had a personal vendetta against rural New Brunswickers from day one! He wants to expand our major cities, fill the province with high-rises, and turn those trails into passageways for high speed trains. He’s not going to stop until he’s as famous as Doug Ford!”
At press time, Higgs was busy hacking POF, replacing numerous local men’s hunting, fishing and muddin’ profile photos with pictures of clean-shaven metrosexuals that he found on Shutterstock.
Originally published at https://themanatee.net on April 24, 2020.